YEP

I like cartoons.

FUCK ME. WHY DO I DO THIS?

Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band. Fuck. Between My Head And The Sky. This is going to suck. Now there's not a chance in hell that I'm going to be able to listen to this whole thing in one sitting without shooting myself in the face. That's just a fact. So it's what, like a little after 10pm, February 18th, 2010? I'll do my best to review a track whenever I feel up to it.

TRACK 1 - Waiting For The D Train. This song starts off by almost rocking. Almost. Then it kinda moves on to a 90's college radio sound. At the 20 second mark some dude stars wailing away on a saxophone. Fuck me that was Yoko. The B-52s crossed with a cat being neutered sans anesthesia? I think I just heard a bad Bob Plant impression? That song was shit.

TRACK 2 - The Sun Is Down - Apparently the sun is down. Apparently someone is also a fan of the Tri-Lams entry into the talent competition in Revenge Of The Nerds. NOTE TO SELF: REVIEW REVENGE OF THE NERDS. This really isn't good. If there are such things as gay Japanese break-dancing mimes, I think I just found their theme music.

TRACK 3 - Ask The Elephant - This is going to be bad, I just know it. I was right. I made it 19 seconds into this one and gave up. Fuck this shit.

Ok, it's now May 8th 2010, I am not a strong enough person to finish listening to this shit. Between My Head And The Sky can go Between My Ass And The Toilet because it's a giant bowel movement. 0.0, there it's done.

DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS!!!
Single Link - http://www.megaupload.com/?d=2PDCJ405 DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS!!!

JESUS

Well he did

LINDSAY LOHAN

Uhm, is that a nut?

A QUICK QUESTION

Which of these two pictures is more disturbing? Barbara Streisand's saggy bra less tits, or a dog eating vomit off of a passed-out drunk? I think I got to go with the shot of Babs. I mean at least the vomit still looks relatively fresh and moist, I mean it hasn't crusted over yet, it's probably still even warm. That's three things that can't be said for old big-nose there.

THE STöNED AGE

It's about a couple of dudes who drink, get high and fuck. They fuck chicks, not each other. Came out around the same time as Dazed And Confused, so it was generally ignored. I'll write a review later, I've got to get pissed off my ass so that I can truly enjoy the Superbowl tonight. Go fuck yourself.

Single link : http://www.megaupload.com/?d=JH1S7SRR

OK, so the story here is, well I actually sorta already summed it up rather well but what the fuck. The year is 1970..80.. 90-something??? OK so the year is never clearly established, I think it's supposed to be the 70's (which is where The Dazed and Confused comparisons come from) but every one's dressed like it's 80's, except for the two main characters who kinda look like extras from a Pearl Jam video, but none of that is really important. So Joe and Hubs are told about a couple of girls by some loser that they know named Tack. The chicks are only in town for a couple of days or something, one of them is a really hot Kelly Bundy look-a-like and the other is, well not. Joe and Hubs ditch their loser buddy and go after the girls themselves, but as they find out in order to fuck the hot one they need to get her drunk. And that's pretty much the first half of the movie, in the second half they, Tack, and just about everyone else tries to get into both chicks' pants. Watch for the shitty cameos by Frankie Avalon, and a couple of members of Blue Oyster Cult. I'm leaving out a lot of detail as to not give too much away, but if you feel like sitting down with a couple of beers and not thinking too hard for about 90 minutes or so this is the movie for you.

And as for it's frequent comparison to Dazed and Confused? There is no comparison. It's apples and oranges. The Stoned Age is practically a cartoon, a slapstick comedy where Dazed and Confused is I don't want to say realistic, but truer to life.

Anyways, The Stoned Age, a respectable 7.0 on the zuel scale.

ELVIS

He said "yes" to drugs

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WARWICK DAVIS

I know, who the fuck is Warwick Davis right? Well he was an Ewok, he was in that Willow movie, he played some fucknut in a Harry Potter movie or someshit, but the roll I'd like to think he's best known for is the motherfuckin' Leprechaun from the motherfuckin' Leprechaun movies!


Now let's face it though, not all Leprechaun movies are created equal, if I were to select the better films from the hexology (it's a real term) they would have to be 1993's original, 1997's Leprechaun 4: In Space, an without a doubt 2000's awesome Leprechaun in the Hood. Which brings us to today's review...


I'm fuckin tired, I'll write a review of it later.

Single link : http://www.megaupload.com/?d=QKMW6CR4

ARTIE FUCKIN' LANGE

Artie Lange. This dude is THE shit. Now the reason I give him such high praise isn't his stand-up routine, ain't his book, not his job on the Stern Show. It's his ability to capture his audience with his tales of morbid... fuck this, this is starting to sound rather gay. What I meant to say is the man tells an awesome story. His stand-up is solid, better than most by far, but he's at his best when he just starts talking. He has the ability to make his father's paralyzation and apparent suicide funny, he's America's greatest obese heroin addict, his sister is smoking hot, he's old-school enough to still use words like "fag" and "nigger" in his act but in surprisingly rather inoffensive ways. He's moody, he's violent, he stabbed himself in the gut 9 times, but only 3 were meant to hurt. I mean come-on, the majority of them were "hesitation" wounds.

So as my tribute to my favorite overweight, drug and alcohol addicted, foul-mouthed, Wolfgang Puck kitchen knife-wielding, former house-framer I present to you Artie Lange's Jack and Coke. I would post my copy of his audio book of Too Fat To Fish, but I can't find it right now. Go fuck yourself. Artie gets a 9.5, 8.7 for Jack and Coke.

Single Link : http://www.megaupload.com/?d=QBYGAC2A

MAGIC TRICK

Everyone likes magic right? Well do I have the trick for you. Anyone who wants to see a legend become a flaming pussy-ass whiny queef-drippings tray, CLICK HERE!!!

THE DEVIL AND DANIEL MOUSE

Fuck me I must be bored, two entries in one night? Someone call the douche-nozzles at Guinness. The world record people not the makers of that you're better-off licking an old hooker's asshole because it will taste better than this shitty, warm, scunt-mud stout.

But back to the movie.

So the story here is two hippie mice suck as folk-musicians so the girl mouse sells her soul to Satan in order to become a disco star. The dude mouse (Daniel) then rages against the evil disco machine, proving it to be a shit music genre, and establishing some legal precedences in contract litigation that are still used to this very day. Sadly enough though, while teaching me that "a song from the heart beats the devil every time" this movie also taught me that a whored-up animated mouse running from The Devil has the ability to promote a strange feeling in my lower abdominal area (my cock.)

And to add further fuel to this fire of fucked-upness, this anti-disco, Satan-fearing animated short was shown to me and everybody else in my school once a year from grades one through six. Now that's just some solid educatin'.

DISCO=SATAN=9.0 on the Zuel Scale

Single Link : http://www.megaupload.com/?d=205V1MUH

HOOD OF THE LIVING DEAD

OK, I've got to start off by saying that I haven't actually seen even a second of this. I can only assume it to be a giant, steaming, liquid ass-squirt of a cinematic experience.

Single link : http://www.megaupload.com/?d=L5B33C5X

If anyone feels like downloading and reviewing this shit, feel fuckin' free. I'll post your review and give you all the credit. Chances are no one other than me will ever willingly watch this, so if I don't hear back from anyone by... I don't know Friday I guess I'll have to watch it. I fucking hate everything and everybody.

It's Friday. Fuck you. Fuck you all.

OK, so what I'm going to do here is review this piece of shit as I watch it. One window open with the movie, another open with this post.

0:00:09 - Black gentleman running from something. Special effects used rival those of a Flock of Seagulls music video. This isn't looking good.

0:01:37 - This is going to suck.

0:04:44 - Is their lab equipment is full of fuckin' Gatorade! This is really going to suck.

0:07:03 - Fuck me, this is brutal.

0:08:12 - Fuck.

0:09:56 - Fuck.

0:15:15 - Fuck.

0:21:28 - The coroner and the paramedic are wearing the same jumpsuits? And they're working together? Because every paramedic travels with a coroner?

0:25:30 - Fuck.

0:27:45 - How the fuck did the Oscars miss this one?

0:35:15 - I've got to take a dump, no need to pause this.

0:42:22 - Fuck. It's not over yet.

0:46:46 - Fuck.

0:47:58 - This is not a good movie.

0:51:59 - I think a fat zombie was just eating a teddy bear.

0:52:10 - Holy shit a chick! And a white one at that! Things might be looking up!

0:56:07 - Fuck.

0:58:15 - The white woman's dead. This is bullshit, the zombies managed to tear her shirt open everywhere but across her tits? Fuckin' gay zombies.

1:00:00 - Fuck me, still 25 minutes of this shit left.

1:02:24 - Hey another white woman!

1:08:26 - Fuck.

1:15:13 - Fuck.

1:16:58 - I guess their budget didn't include enough money to paint all of the hall? The funniest thing in this movie so far.

1:19:00 - This shit is gay.

1:21:40 - Fuck. Even the closing credits are slow and drawn out. Why the fuck am I still watching this?

This movie was a giant turd. It was made by a couple of douches named the Quiroz Brothers. If you ever meet them punch them both in their dicks for me. A 0.3 on the zuel-scale.