Artie Lange's Too Fat To Fish. Included are both the 7 disc audio book in mp3 format, and an e-book in pdf for those of you who prefer the printed word. If you are a fan of shit that doesn't suck this is required listening and/or reading. It's the story of Artie, what else do you need to know.
DAY THREE
The June 2009 edition of Lowrider Magazine. Right off the bat I like the cover, hot chick with big fake cans in a bikini standing in front of a '62 Impala. What's not to like? The problem here arises almost immediately. Of the first 10 pages 7 of them feature advertisements. But I'll get back to that later.
The content is pretty straight forward, profiles of custom car makers, their rides, and the hot Latina women who drape themselves over said rides. Now I like Latino women and old American muscle cars so this is all good for me. My problem lies in the proportions.
So back to what I was saying before, the number of ads is fuckin' nuts. Luckily there are 100 pages exactly so it will make the following break-down of content, percentage-wise, really easy which is really good because I'm half plotzed.
So what we have here is a chart.
Pretty straight forward. This chart depicts the number of ads, cars, broads, or angry Mexicans that are featured on at least one third of each page. So it's kinda fucked up that there are more ads than cars. Well I guess I could've skipped the chart, that last sentence pretty much summed shit up. Oh well at least I had the pleasure of making a chart.
But back to the magazine. I do like it, too many ads though, and it could use more whores. So June '09 Lowrider Magazine gets a 7.1 on the Zuel Scale, my bitchin' chart making skill gets a mad 8.0
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=HRRC2QVP
So what we got here is Flafla Flunkey's audio book. I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet so I'm holding off on the review. Eat me.
Creepy, right?. And after that it it's back to the regular whores for the remaining 30 pages.
Ok, to review Sexy Nuts issue #9 is a decent source of lingerie and bikini-clad Asian chicks, it loses marks though for lack of titty, ass or snatch, it was kinda informative I'm guessing, with just the right amount of what-the-fuck? So overall I didn't hate it.
7.2 on the Zuel Scale.
Yep it's Fritz-The-Mother-Fuckin'-Cat. What to say about Fritz? Well I guess first off, if you haven't seen it yet, see it dumb-ass! It's done in that weird Ralph Bakshi animation where everything is just sorta... i don't know, dark, and dingy but in a good way. And being the early 70's the total lack of political correctness is just fucking awesome. Seriously, black people are crows, cops are pigs, there's fag jokes, Jew jokes, rampant drug use, violence, there's even a Nazi-biker element.
MC Mong's Vol. 4 Circus? OK tell you what, I'm going to review the album in it's entirety without prejudice or preconceived notions of any kind. Let's start with the cover. Good news. If you were going to design a gay, Asian, inflatable, clown sex doll I think you've got the face for it.
But on to the music. First track is Radio Revers and Rhyme. Some broad speaking English over top of various noises. Not my cup of tea, let's hope the next track, Circus, is better. Nope, not so much. It's another track that starts off in English, but this time moves on to circus music. Let's try the next track. English with a Spanish accent this time. How unusual. No. No, no, no.
Fuck it, This shit's gay. This Mong guy is a fucking asshole. I would rather fellate a penis sculpture made entirely out of Courtney Love's feces than finish listening to this shit. What a fucking asshole. Just look at him.
There is just something very punchable about his face.
Oh fuck! What the hell am I doing? That things that smells shit is true. The fuckin avi has an odor to it. The question "what's that smell" can universally be answered with "Teen Wolf Too". Seriously, take a dump in a paper bag and sit it next to a copy of this movie. I challenge you to tell the difference between smells.
But on to the movie. Some douche is Teen Wolf's cousin, he does shit. There's a dude with a mullet, not sure if he's Jewish or Italian. He kinda looks like Boner from Groin Pains.
He's wacky, this movie's gay, there's even a musical number with a big choreographed dance scene. Like I said gay.
1.2 on the zuel scale.
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=8W77ZYV3
And just for shits and giggles I present you with The Teen Wolf Too soundtrack. You thought the movie sucked ass, wait until you hear this burglared terd.
Holy shit you'll hate this.
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=SUVSBI3H
Don't worry though this post ain't about that. This post isn't even about that Margaret Cho. It's not about her stand up either, I know it's crazy fuckin' popular with the gays but I can honestly take it or leave it. It's not really about her looks either, at this point she's a, let's be nice and say, formerly slightly overweight, Korean girl who's now starting to look all of her 41 years. Don't get me wrong, she's still cute and I've always kinda had a thing for Asian chicks, but I feel she had a window of about 16 months when she was still looking young, and was skinny but this post isn't about that Margaret Cho either. Why the fuck am I using italics today? I'm not sure why but using italics on select words makes the whole sentence read slightly gay.
So where was I? Oh yeah, the Margaret Cho that I was posting about is this one.
Or maybe more realistically...
Yoko Ono and the Plastic Ono Band. Fuck. Between My Head And The Sky. This is going to suck. Now there's not a chance in hell that I'm going to be able to listen to this whole thing in one sitting without shooting myself in the face. That's just a fact. So it's what, like a little after 10pm, February 18th, 2010? I'll do my best to review a track whenever I feel up to it.
Which of these two pictures is more disturbing? Barbara Streisand's saggy bra less tits, or a dog eating vomit off of a passed-out drunk? I think I got to go with the shot of Babs. I mean at least the vomit still looks relatively fresh and moist, I mean it hasn't crusted over yet, it's probably still even warm. That's three things that can't be said for old big-nose there.
Artie Lange. This dude is THE shit. Now the reason I give him such high praise isn't his stand-up routine, ain't his book, not his job on the Stern Show. It's his ability to capture his audience with his tales of morbid... fuck this, this is starting to sound rather gay. What I meant to say is the man tells an awesome story. His stand-up is solid, better than most by far, but he's at his best when he just starts talking. He has the ability to make his father's paralyzation and apparent suicide funny, he's America's greatest obese heroin addict, his sister is smoking hot, he's old-school enough to still use words like "fag" and "nigger" in his act but in surprisingly rather inoffensive ways. He's moody, he's violent, he stabbed himself in the gut 9 times, but only 3 were meant to hurt. I mean come-on, the majority of them were "hesitation" wounds.
So the story here is two hippie mice suck as folk-musicians so the girl mouse sells her soul to Satan in order to become a disco star. The dude mouse (Daniel) then rages against the evil disco machine, proving it to be a shit music genre, and establishing some legal precedences in contract litigation that are still used to this very day. Sadly enough though, while teaching me that "a song from the heart beats the devil every time" this movie also taught me that a whored-up animated mouse running from The Devil has the ability to promote a strange feeling in my lower abdominal area (my cock.)
And to add further fuel to this fire of fucked-upness, this anti-disco, Satan-fearing animated short was shown to me and everybody else in my school once a year from grades one through six. Now that's just some solid educatin'.
DISCO=SATAN=9.0 on the Zuel Scale
Single Link : http://www.megaupload.com/?d=205V1MUH
