2009 CAN TOSS MY SALAD

I was supposed to do something... Right the um... Goldberg thing. Fuck it it's new years eve. It can wait a couple of days for me to sober up. I'm off to drink a gallon of Sailor Jerry's spiced rum. Merry fuckin new year

MERRY FUCKIN' X-MAS COCKSUCKERS

So it was Christmas a couple of days ago. Big fuckin' deal right? Well anyways What I have for you today is the perfect movie to express that exact "Who gives a fuck, is it New Year's Eve yet so for one night of the year my drinking prowess can be looked upon with awe and well.. drunken awe instead of just the usual disgust and pity. I give to you Santa's Slay. Fuck I'm drunk, Santa Kills and shit. Fran Drescher is still disturbingly hot for a senior citizen. That broad who was caught smoking crack in the National enquirer was what was I saying? Shit I need to find the links, I'll do it later.

Rebecca Gayheart fucked up on crack 8.4, the movie itself... I don't know, I've only actually seen the first 5 minutes, but what I saw I liked. How does a 6.9 sound? You don't like it? I really don't care. I've gotta take a killer Rocky V.

link 1 of 1 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=U2YZM10G

MEET FUCKIN' CAP!

Ok, so there's a solid chance that you've never heard of John Caparulo. He was the pudgy, hat-wearing, white guy in that Wild West Comedy Tour that Vinnie Vaughn filmed and released in theatres, and then almost immediately to DVD a few years ago. Actually now that I think of it, if you've seen the WWCT (Wild West Comedy Tour) you've already heard a good chunk of this album, but I mean it's still funny shit.

So describing his act without giving too much of it away is going to be difficult. The last thing I want to do is type out a fuckin' transcript of the god damned album, so instead I'll attempt in my own half-retarded way to describe his comedic style. Shit. This is going to be gay.

I don't know, he's kind of a thinking man's Jeff Foxworthy? Well that's not right, Caparulo is actually funny. Fuck it, it's only like 80mb or someshit, download for yourself.

I'll give it an 8.5 on the zuel scale.

Part 1 of 1 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=WGIADQDS

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS

I know, what the fuck is Zuel doing posting a fuckin Disney movie right? Well let's just say this ain't exactly your run of the mill version of Snow White. I don't think it's a director's cut, or has been digitally remastered or anyshit, but what it does have is just a bit of porn. Now I'm not talking about a porn version of Snow White,

animated or other.

I'm talking about the full-on 1937 Walt Disney classic with a Fight Club inspired twist. At the 33 minute and 43 second mark there's been a 10 second clip inserted of a nice white lady getting fucked in the ass by a black guy, then it goes back to Walt's family classic. And the reason I posted this? No, I don't have some weird Disney-porno fetish (well maybe I do, I did already have copies of both of the two pictures above on my hard drive) or a thing for dwarfs (there is my Bridgette The Midget movie collection) or anything. This was put together so that you can burn this to a DVD, label it as "Walt Disney's Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs" and leave it on the bus, subway, park bench, wherever it will be found. The idea is that someone finds it, brings it home, throws it in the DVD player for little Johnny to watch and half an hour into it BAM the little fucker is traumatized. Now I've got to warn you, this is the most serious of serious dick moves, probably illegal, and you will go to hell for doing this. But hey, what the fuck right?

33:43

33:48

33:53

So I guess on to the Zuel Scale. Normally this shit would get around a 0.5-1.0 rating, but seeing how this is the "special edition" I've gotta think high 7s, low 8s. What the fuck 8.1 sounds about right.

Part 1 of 1 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Q140O3TV

BAD NEWS... I MADE BAIL

Well I'd just like to take this oppertunity to thank none of you motherfuckers for inquiring about my absence. Eat me bitches.

ALIVE... FUCK YOU

Ok so what do you think of when the I mention the 1993 movie Alive? Nine out of ten people who are aware of this movie will say "cannibalism" or someshit along those lines. I was one of the nine, up until about two hours ago when I decided to watch it again for the first time in about fifteen years. And as it turns out, the old adage "don't fuck with sleeping dogs" seriously applies here. I remembered this movie as a badass plane crashing, bloody bone popping, crazy-ass flesh-eating extravaganza. That's how I remembered it at least. In reality it's one-hundred and twenty minutes of people stuck on a mountain soaked with roman-catholic propaganda. Before the plane crash some douche is praying. After the plane crash some douche gives some dude shit for not praying with him, but luckily enough he's converted a short time later and starts praying. They even managed to say a few words about God before the cannibalism begins. So needless to say I was a little disappointed. Now don't get me wrong, it's still a half-decent movie, it's just not what I remembered. The plane crash is still pretty fuckin' awesome, tons of people die, there's a fuck-load of blood, and shit you just can't go wrong with cannibalism. Now on to the mighty, mighty Zuel Scale. Yesterday this would've scored somewhere in the high 8s, but after watching it again I'd have to say 6.8 would be fair.

No HJSplit on these links, just two 700MB avi files.
Part 1 of 2 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=L9A7R2QC
Part 2 of 2 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=4YW3EIHK

SHIT IS RETARDED

And the world's punnishment is... a giant fat whore!!!

ANNA FARIS

Holy shit. So just out of curiosity, when did Anna Faris get hot? I mean she's always been one those goofy-kinda-cute girls, but holy shit she's gotten fuckin' hot. Showing a hint of under boob doesn't hurt but a Playboy spread, or a "leaked" sex tape, or even a topless beach photo would obviously be better. But since none of these have happened she's going to lose two, maybe two-and-a-half points off her rank on the Zuel Scale. But hey she's still young-ish, and there's still a solid chance that if she shows more skin people will want to see it (assuming it's before she hits the wall which she is projected to hit within the next 13 or 14 months) but until then a 7.2 will have to do.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM THE "NAME THAT NIPPLE" POST

So as the title of this post implies, I actually learned a few things from putting together the "Name That Nipple" post. So here they are.

1. There is a God, he's a fan of lesbianism, and he has good taste.

2. Councilor Troi has some scary-ass hairy man arms.

3. I want to see this again.

The Scarlett Johansson Natalie Portman kiss scores a bone-popping 9.8 on the Zuel Scale (they lost valuable points for not using tongue) and 2.7 for Councilor Troi's hairy arms.

NAME THAT NIPPLE

click to enlarge,

I like whores.

Look a little further down for results.











Further...











Try the previous post.
Titties get a 10 on the Zuel Scale.

NAME THAT NIPPLE RESULTS

A - Christina Aguilera
B - Anne Hathaway
C - Jessica Simpson
D - Britney Spears
E - Paris Hilton
F - Councilor Troi
G - Fran Drescher
H - Lindsay Lohan
I - Heather Graham
J - Natalie Portman
K - Kate Hudson
L - Sheryl Crow

REMINDER

The links for files over 250 mb are split using HJSplit. To reattach them you require HJSplit. I know I sound like a corporate whore hawking the HJSplit, but fear not, it's a FREEWARE program that doesn't install spyware, itself or any other shit onto your system, it just splits and joins files of any type and size and shit. Like I said it's 100% free, you'll never be asked for money or to fill out a survey or anyshit. It's actually just useful and you don't even need to install the sombitch, just run the .exe file and... well it works. Warning though the interface is ugly as fuck.











So you're now informed. The first person who asks "how do I view a .001 file" gets kicked in the nuts. Get it here (HJSplit, not a kick in the nuts.)
http://hjsplit.en.softonic.com/

HEY LOOK A WHORE!

Yes that is Lady GaGa, and yes I am calling her a whore. Now I don't mean it in a derogatory or insulting way, I honestly believe that she would except money in exchange for sexual favours. And good on her. I mean let's face it, there are a lot of whores out there, but very few of them are as willing to flaunt it as Ms. GaGa is. Don't get me wrong, her music is without exception total shit, but hey she's a whore so it's tolerable. In her video for "Love Game" I think the herpes virus actually gets passed around more than it did in Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty" video and that's no small feat. You've probably already seen it but on the off chance that you haven't here it is.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=WEM6HFET

So like I was saying the music's total shit. I wonder if I had a point? No, I think I just like writing about whores.

I like whores.

Well good news, I've got a BLOG OF ZUEL EXCLUSIVE. I recommend using the following link instead of the previous one. Trust me, the last one was shit, where as this one is the shit.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=70LRLREL

I can now honestly say that I've enjoyed a Lady GaGa video not only for it's softcore porn style choreography, but also for it's music.

Ok this is where it gets a little tricky, the Zuel Scale. Now I think what we're going to do here is not judge Lady GaGa by her music (for the record it would rate somewhere around Mr.T's Commandments) instead she'll be judged by her whorishness. I like whores. She scores an impressive 8.0 (with an asterisk) on the mighty Zuel Scale.

ROCKY V

What the fuck was Sly thinking? Thank god for the 2006 Rocky Balboa movie so this movie franchise didn't end with a total piece of shit. Actually describing this movie as shit is too kind to the movie, and way too mean to shit. I would rather watch a video of Rosie O'Donnell inserting hard boiled eggs into her vagina and doing squats until mayonnaise dripped out than have to sit through this fuckin' "movie" again. I don't know, -2.3 on the Zuel Scale. I'll put the links up later, you know on the off chance that someone might actually want them. They might be good for torturing lab monkeys in order to recreate the rage virus from 28 Days Later or something? But right now I gotta go take a Rocky V.

Part 1 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=AVIOS1KA
Part 2 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=OR2BMA15
Part 3 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=QZYZFZT6

MR.T'S COMMANDMENTS

OK this shit is gay. Now I know this is supposed to be for kids and shit, warning them of the evils of drugs and singing the praises of Mr.T, but come on this shit's fuckin' gay. Are those little pictures all around Mr.T on the back of the album supposed to be his commandments? If so I'm fucked.

I mean right now I'm drunk as fuck, I'm talking to strangers, I just did a rail of angel dust, and I'm sure as shit not singing. Pay special attention to the forth track "Mr.T, Mr.T (He Was Made For Love)" because it's super fuckin' gay. Listening to this makes me feel bad for Mr.T, shit this was when he was in his prime. Do you think nowadays he sits around with his homies and is all like "Do you remember when I used to rap about not talking to strangers and shit, man I miss the good old days"? I don't know, how does a 3 on the Zuel Scale sound?

Part 1 of 1 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=QC5Q5QAZ

INTERNATION DAY OF PIECE

In an effort to spread good will to all people of all nations on this our International Day of Peace, I offer the gift of Michelle Trachtenberg's sweet ass and fine rack.

Go ahead and click on them. You know you want to.

It is my belief that in order to truly obtain world peace our planet needs some kind of a rallying point, something that the citizens of Earth can all agree upon and get behind. So I ask, why not Michelle Trachtenberg's sweet ass and fine rack? Can we not all agree that the ass is sweet? Can we not all agree that the rack is fine? Now I know this might be a bit awkward for the gays, seeing how she doesn't have a cock and all. But on this our International Day of Peace I ask of the gays, look into your hearts, then look at Michelle Trachtenberg's sweet ass and fine rack. I beg you, in the name of world peace can't you just pretend that she's one of your shemales?

So continuing with the spirit of international peace and Michelle Trachtenberg's sweet ass and fine rack, I present a truly international movie, Eurotrip.

Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with Eurotrip, I think the best way to describe it would be as a throwback to the old T&A movies of the 80's. Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with 80's T&A movies, we'll just have to remedy that, but back to the movie at hand. So the story goes something like, well there's this dude Scotty who is dating the chick from the Superman show, and he finds out she's been screwing around on him with one of the Goodwill Hunting shits. He then mistakes his hot German pen pal's advances to be those of a dude and kinda tells her to go fuck herself. After realizing his mistake Scotty, a couple of dudes and Michelle Trachtenberg head to Europe to set things straight and hilarity and hi jinx ensue. Not an Oscar winner by anymeans, pretty much 90 minutes of...

and shit who wouldn't like that? A solid 8.6 on the old Zuely Scale.

Part 1 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=J8U51W07
Part 2 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=MZU6FFK1
Part 3 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=BOKHF46T

UFC 4 - OW, MY BALLS!

As promised earlier here's UFC 4. This is from the days of Royce Gracie, Ken Shamrock, and crazy-ass Jesus-lovin Kimo. And actually the best part of this tournament has a lot to do with that crazy fuckin' Hawaiian. Kimo's not actually fighting in this one but his protege Joe Son is. And fuck, his opponent Keith Hackney puts on what can only be called a "ball-punching clinic!" I gotta think that this match had to have something to do with the UFC eventually throwing in a couple more rules other than just the no eye-gouging, or fish-hooking. The rest of the tournament is pretty badass too, but no matter what, when I think of UFC 4 the phrase "Ow my balls!" always comes to mind. Overall I give it a solid 9.0 on the mighty, mighty Zuel Scale.

Part 1 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=YYUTZLNM
Part 2 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=GRP74UAT
Part 3 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=D84G1Q2K

AFTERMATH

First let me start by saying that this movie is probably the most fucked up thing that I've ever seen. I mean it is FUCKED UP! Apparently this Nacho Cerda guy has some serious issues. I blame his parents though, you're just asking for trouble if you name your fuckin' kid Nacho. I have it on good authority that Ted Bundy's middle name was Nacho. Then there was that Jack Black movie Nacho Libre, it made me want to go on a murderous head-stabbing spree. But anyways back to the movie. The story here is... uhh... well without giving away too much, umm well there's this fuckin' medical examiner who's all like Quincey and shit. And he owns a camera with a timer, and there's this corpse who's all dead and shit. And then there's a funny surprise ending involving his dog. I can't really say anything else about it except don't download it, don't watch it. On the other hand fuck it, I sat through the fuckin' thing, why should I suffer alone. Trick someone you love into watching it. On the Zuel Scale, I dont know, a fuckin' 2 or someshit.

Part 1 of 2 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=KW4SD8C0
Part 2 of 2 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=J78SS7BT

GAY

Snuggies are gay. Gayer than man-ass sex. 0.0 on the Zuel Scale

REALITY TELEVISION

OK, so I'm ashamed to admit this, but what the fuck it's on a blog that's been viewed like twice or someshit. I watch reality television. All kinds of it too. Badass shit like Cops, The First 48, Dallas SWAT. Stupid shit like The Surreal Life, and Family Jewels. Shit with hot, damaged chicks like Rollergirls, and Charm School. Even gay shit like Big Brother, Intervention , and Survivor. I've even seen an episode or two of that shitty Next Top Model show. Shit, I even own a wack of those Girls Gone Wild DVDs (wack, that's funny) but that probably doesn't have much to do with the reality nature of that programming. Anyways this brings me to my point, tomorrow Spike starts a new season of the baddest of all badass reality shows, UFC's The Ultimate Fighter. This is how all reality shows should be done, 45 minutes of drinking, cursing and acting like retarded douchebags, then a fight at the end of the episode to settle shit. How much fuckin' cooler would Survivor be if at the end of each episode the gay hairdresser from L.A. who's been bitching about missing his man-partner all week has to fight the 45 year-old Christian soccermom from Idaho in a cage, loser goes home. Fuck it, I say ALL television programming should end with a cage fight. Nightly news, sitcoms, children's shows, WWII documentaries, Jeopardy, fuckin' everything.

So since the show is premiering tomorrow, and I don't own a functioning time machine I'm afraid I won't be posting links for it today. What I will do though as a tribute to the badass nature of The Ultimate Fighter is post...


This is the shit. The original that the motherfuckers at the UFC are ashamed of. No weight classes, no rounds, no time limits. The only rules are no eye-gouging or fish-hooking. Nut-punching is 100% legal, and as shown in UFC 4 a rather effective tactic. I'll put up the UFC 4 links later.

So this badass piece of UFC history scores a 9.2 on the Zuel Scale.

Part 1 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=LJ71QVF8
Part 2 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=6LBE257P
Part 3 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=Y29CS5FF

THE BEATLES

I fuckin' hate The Beatles. 20 years between members dying is too much. I say Ringo and Paul fight it out today in somekind of a medieval death-stick grudgematch where the loser gets a date with a guillotine and the winner gets to punch Yoko Ono in the face before his date with a guillotine. Win-win. They get the old 0.0 on the Zuel Scale, but I'll bump it up to a 0.5 if they actually fight.

BE A MAN

I believe Dark Ninja's review of this album on Amazon.com pretty much sums it up.

"There is no way you will ever get closer to the utopia you experience when you listen to this outstanding album. I hope for the sake of every being in the universe that we will see many, many more Macho Man albums in the future. When I first caught a glance of this CD at Walmart, I turned and fell to my knees while time literally stopped. Once I regained consciousness I quickly filled a crate with the album and handed the cashier a flying elbow drop! When I placed the CD onto the tray of my stereo system, I knew at once that my life had culminated to that point, my purpose was to witness the sick, wicked, and nasty beats that were about to pulsate through the earth itself and energize my very life force. When the tray recalled itself back into the stereo console, it was as though the final puzzle piece of human existence had been put into place. Rainbows began to pour inexplicably out of the speakers and onto my terrace. The windows flew open and The Macho Man himself floated in on a winged platinum unicorn. He gave me a $5 gift certificate at Radio Shack and told me that I was the chosen one. He said that He and I would lead mankind out of poverty and strife forever. He said we must hurry, unimaginable evils were gathering and following him and there was not much time before he would have to face them. As we prepared to embark a low rumble could be heard in the distance. Hardly decipherable at first, but it began to grow louder, and apparently closer. The sky darkened rapidly and took on a red-orange tint. The rumble grew exponentially louder and more fierce, and the ground began to shake. Without warning an enormous crack in the planet's surface appeared and a great mountain of rock and molten lava shot up from the center of the earth with the force of ten trillion mighty buffalo. Satan himself stood before us, in all of his evil majesty. Despite this apocalyptic series of events, Randy was not at all intimidated. He stood fast, and with a mighty cry of 'OOOOOOHHH YEAHHHHHH!' he was suddenly 250 feet tall and was made entirely of gold. Satan lunged towards Savage with blinding speed, but The Macho Man was suddenly gone. Satan spun back around just in time for a vicious Macho Man drop kick to the throat. Again, Savage disappeared, leaving Satan dazed and confused. As Satan tried to recover Randy leapt at him from out of nowhere with a punishing sunset flip, sending The Dark Lord directly into a black hole on the other side of the universe. Savage explained to me how his musical talents inspired the Greek God Zeus, and so Zeus gave him super powers and ultrasonic vocal cords. I told him he's the illest, the true chief warrior. The bottom line is I used to steal cars and buses all the time, but ever since I heard this album I only smash fire hydrants. I no longer sleep or eat or talk, I just absorb the lyrical extremes that this album surpasses time and again and train to fight The Hulkster. Everything that you've ever done, are doing now, or will ever do is a complete waste of time unless it directly involves Randy 'Macho Man' Savage. If you don't own this album, I sincerely hope that this review has helped you realize what a clueless and wretched piece of waste you really are. And seriously Hogan, be a man for once in your life. If you just take the beating maybe Savage won't banish you from the universe....OOOOOOOHHH YEEEAAAHHHHH!!! I just crapped on myself. "

So the mighty Zuel Scale gives it a 8.4 (it would've scored higher but the last track sounds like a love song for Mr. Perfect)

Part 1 of 1 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=ZXCT64E6

THE PUNISHER

That's right this isn't one of the pussy remakes with "budgets" and "good" writing and shit like that, FUCK NO! This is the kick ass, sodomize your mother, punch you in the face original starring none other than The Master of the Universe himself Ivan Fuckin' Drago. OK, so the story here is Drago kicks a shitload of ass, there's a sub-plot or someshit involving his family or something, some more ass kicking, and then Drago goes all kung fu ape shit. I know what you're thinking, "this has to be the greatest movie of all times" and I don't know if I can't not disagree with you. I don't know what that last thing I typed meant. So overall I think this one scores a solid 8.6 on the Zuel Scale.

Part 1 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=UOUIU97O
Part 2 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=SS54847D
Part 3 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=6MHW9Q46

Ahhh What the fuck



Rocky IV. Hands down the best of the of the five Rocky movies (Rocky V doesn't count because it was ass and therefore doesn't technically qualify as a movie) and coincidentally the only one that stars Ivan Drago. So the story goes something like Rocky and his boys are sitting around all like "Hey look at us we're all badass and shit!" Then our hero Ivan Fuckin Drago shows up and warns Rocky and his boys "Fuck with me and I'll fuck you up!" This angers Apollo Creed who decides that fucking with Drago is a good idea. That doesn't go so well for Apollo because Drago fuckin kills his ass and makes Rocky cry like a little bitch. Then Drago starts training to fight Rocky and his punches are measured at over 2100 PSI! That's the pressure fuckin scuba tanks are under. You remember when Jaws got his shit all exploded? That was from a scuba tank or someshit. Then they fight and Rocky somehow manages to squeak out a win in the 15th round, but who the fuck fights to 15 rounds? I think that last fight to go 15 rounds involved Jack Dempsey. Drago was clearly ahead on the scorecards after 12 rounds, but nevermind that. If you'll remember back to the first Rocky movie and how it ended, Creed beet Rocky, and Drago more than bested the man who bested Rocky, so in my books that means Drago may have lost the fight but he sure as shit won the movie. So what did we learn from all this? Be like Ivan fuckin Drago and you too can:

1 - have a punch strong enough to explode a great white fuckin shark
2 - get away with murder
3 - say cool shit like "If he dies, he dies"
4 - Make Rocky Balboa cry
5 - have a hot wife like Brigitte Nielsen



So overall a mighty 9.1 on the mighty Zuel Scale.

Part 1 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=3RV1AR2F
Part 2 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=8KR26JZU
Part 3 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RXZPIMXB

BUMFIGHTS - CAUSE FOR CONCERN

If you've never heard of Bumfights, man are you ever in for a treat. The title is though a little deceptive. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of bums and a lot of fighting, but not much of the two together. Instead you the viewer are treated to combination of actual streetfights caught on tape and the antics of a lovable cast of characters such as Bling Bling the happy crackhead, Roofis The Stunt Bum, Roofis' friend who's name I can't remember right now, and The Bumhunter. Ah yes The Bumhunter, there is a special place in Hell reserved for this Steve Irwin-esque gentleman. Overall an 8.5 on The Zuel-Scale.

1 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=X5SBCYWA
2 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=5ZP5L59R
3 of 3 http://www.megaupload.com/?d=RGTF4YL9

HJSplit

HJSplit is a file splitter/joiner which enables you to split/join files of any type and size and shit. It's free and you don't even need to install the sumbitch, just run the .exe file and... well it works. Warning though the interface is ugly as fuck.












Get it here
http://hjsplit.en.softonic.com/

ZUEL IS BACK

and ZUEL IS AWESOME!

Ok, so the old ZUELREPORT is no more. I'm going to go in a slightly different direction here with this, THE BLOG OF ZUEL! Expect sporadic updates of stupid shit that generally amuses no one but myself. If you're looking for intelligent conversation and thought provoking discussion man are you in the wrong place, for that shit try going here, but on the other hand if you're looking for a half-drunk asshole's views on titties welcome home.

Enjoy or go fuck yourself, either way it doesn't affect me.